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Giblet McNiblets
28 June 2009 @ 12:13 am
I'm rather down tonight and Garry won't talk to me because he's asleep and I can't do anything. I need to try to fall asleep. This sucks.
Giblet McNiblets
03 October 2008 @ 02:32 pm
I'm writing here again, for the first time in at least a month or two, though I doubt I will post this publicly. I'm simply too lazy to write in my real journal and cause my hand to cramp up in the narrow binding.

It's Friday, which is actually my least favorite day of the week now, for I work Friday nights and all of Saturday. I thought I was okay recently, but my depression is creeping up yet again and causing me to distance myself from Garry and absolutely everyone around me. I realized in class this morning that I was afraid to go home after, for I was afraid to be alone. My alone time, now, seems most often characterized by much brooding over my insufficience as a person and this constant struggle to maintain my relationship while I am always fearing I am insignificant and no longer represent anything profound in Garry's life.
It's become a bit heart-wrenching to read our old messages to each other, because they are so full of hope and emotion and because I long for that depth of communication again. I do believe it still lingers under the surface for each of us, but the fact is that I have become quite dull, overly familiar and natural in being so constantly present and near to Garry. I believe this is beginning to eat away at me, because I don't know what to do about it. I get upset when he goes elsewhere to see friends, because I don't have any friends, I don't have anywhere to go and it feels entirely unfair. I've become so bored of sitting in this house that nothing I do here thrills me anymore. Everything is so despairing here. I am only ever in this house, on campus at class, or at the grocery store. My life is a tiny fucking triangle of movement in and out of so few places.
I don't talk to Claire anymore. We haven't talked since I last saw her, at my house to hang out with Brian and Enrique, and even then it was awkward. She asked to take me out for my birthday and then never called. She wrote on my facebook wall on my birthday and that has been it. Our last communication was on August 26th, and it is now October 3rd. I have certain hope-filled, energetic days where I picture myself excitedly going online and sending her a long message and trying to catch up, but in the end I don't do it because it's out of place. I seem to accept now that we are no longer friends, and probably won't rekindle that because it's been deteriorating gradually for some time now. Over a year. And with Claire's friendship gone leaves that of everyone else; Sarah, Elena, Erin, and so on. Enrique lives here and we rarely talk, and I do avoid him most often because I still feel strange around him. I guess that will never change, and I don't know why not.

Garry and I have our 18 month anniversary tomorrow. We are both working, but I believe we'll be going out to dinner on Sunday. I am reluctant to get my hopes up because that is the most dangerous thing for me. That has proven to be most dangerous most often, on Valentine's day, on my birthday, on many days when I simply want to go out or see a movie or cook dinner together. I'm an awful person. We just seem to create this irritable air around us.
I've been having a hard time dealing with being in a class with Garry because he treats me so indifferently when we're at school together. I know it's because he wants to act professional and not allude to any sort of relationship we may be in, but it makes me feel worse than that reason should. I feel less than a friend; I feel like someone he is overly accustomed to who is annoying and who he need not listen to when she speaks because it's all been heard before. It's so different at school, and it utterly confuses me when I see other couples around who blatantly kiss or lay in each other's laps on the quad or walk to class holding hands. Why do I care about superficial, surface-level bullshit like this? I guess because it's so easy to compare myself with anyone and find something wrong, and because I want to know so well that we are in love and together and it's actually real and not suppressed or disguised in public. That is what feels wrong to me; not acknowledging something that is the most powerful force in my life.

Garry's friend Duke is coming down from Fort Collins tonight and they're going to some party after work. I already know I will not go along because I seem to ruin social outings with my awkwardness and my need for Garry to navigate me through unknown people and situations. Maybe it will be nice to be here and alone though, at night, after work. I wish I could still remember what my passions were. Writing is still here, and that's comforting. But everything else continues to dissipate as I lose my whole notion of self-awareness into the blur of daily life's repetitions.

I need a friend in my life like I never had before. I wish Helen were here. I feel so healthy with her around, because I have the new love and the old playful air of friendship about me. I feel rekindled with my younger self and I remember who I was and who I am now, with Garry.

I'm an awful person. And writing this makes me feel like absolute shit, because I never write things like this. I never sound quite this hopeless, quite this detached, and quite this unaware of what is really happening in my life, quite this out of touch with my relationship and myself and what I'm doing, why I'm still going. I love Garry, really, and as far as I know I always will. I want to grow up with him. I would love such a thing. But things cannot keep feeling like this. I need to be pulled out of here. I don't even want to go on with the days.
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: nothing
Giblet McNiblets
I am miserable. I hate school. I hate my job. I am alone. I cannot write.
Current Location: table
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: nothing
Giblet McNiblets
06 June 2008 @ 09:38 pm
In case you couldn't tell from my little blue bobel that rather crappily emotes a vast generalization of whatever I'm feeling at the time, my stomach hurts. Like most days, today has consisted of waking up early, working, then doing nothing once I got off work because I have no motivation whatsoever.

Helen is in town, so I have been seeing her this week, though certainly not enough because I am always at work. Fortunately, she is here until the fourteenth (?), and I have my weekend soon. Garry and I will be going to Elitches on Monday for some extensive sunburning. I have been in zombie mode since summer has started and I have been working full time. It makes my relationship seem easier, I think, when Garry and I are both working a lot since none of us have the effort to fight about anything and generally care more for sex and sleeping. My allergies are still terrible. I feel like I'm somehow being punished in sharing what my dog experiences all the time.

Since my train of thought is becoming less coherent as I go on, I am going to waste time in other realms of the internet now.
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: Fleet Foxes - Drops in the River
Giblet McNiblets
29 May 2008 @ 09:01 pm
It is summer, and today was my day off from work, which is always nice. I am, however, wallowing in a large cesspool of stress and self-loathing. It's a mixture of money issues with my own growing inability to socialize with others. The most obvious issue, though, is the increasing cost of caring for my dog. I took him to the vet very early Monday morning because he was bleeding everywhere and miserable, and ended up paying $300 for some very large assortment of products to help with his allergies. Now I will be putting him on a new medication that he has to take for the rest of his life, which will cost me $70 per month at minimum. His food cost is currently at around $100 per month, which my Mom is covering in exchange for not giving me any money per month to help with rent or food.
My job is paying me $8.00 an hour, which has been my salary since I started working there a year ago, and I am not going to be receiving a raise anytime soon, if ever (most likely the latter). This is really not enough money for me to support myself and my dog and to have any fun in my life. So now I have this ever-looming dilemma of wanting to quit my job but being unable to risk not having a job for any period of time because I need a constant source of income so badly. On top of that, I have really awful luck finding new jobs. I generally look for months, apply to dozens of places and don't get hired anywhere, then give up for awhile longer. This is the first real, permanent job I have had and I am completely under-appreciated and taken advantage of. Needless to say, I'm feeling rather despondent and without anywhere to turn for money. I know things will be okay, but for now I have this terrible panicked feeling whenever I have to spend anything. I have not checked my bank balance in weeks, and can't bring myself to do it until I get paid again because it inevitably makes me frantic.

Right now I miss my friends a great deal, and most of them are in town, but it has become so hard to reach out in the same way I once would. I don't know what it is; I've lost some feeling that was always there before. I don't love them any less than I ever have. Right now I am so bogged down that I can't muster up any energy, and I just find myself hiding. I don't know what I'm doing. I wish I could say there was something natural about my actions, some innate reasoning in the things I do or think or say, but instead everything holds such heavy complexity that never relieves me in the slightest. I have never felt like I was doing things the right way, by which I guess I mean the healthy way. Anyway, I'm still moving along.
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: Grizzly Bear - Deep Blue Sea
Giblet McNiblets
23 April 2008 @ 09:31 pm
It may just be the music I'm listening to, but I feel some profound and echoing loneliness tonight. Garry is away at Burnt Toast reading poetry, and I should probably be there, but for some reason I'm just here on the bed with the lights very dim, listening to woeful songs. My heart feels heavy. I'm in a rare place where I can look on myself and see myself sheltered to a very dangerous point. I can't even go support my boyfriend reading at a coffee shop because I'm scared to be around the people he knows that I don't know. I feel ashamed of myself whenever he and I run into someone he knows, because I'm just that weird, unfriendly girl clinging to him. The only time I am not invisible is when he's here, because when he goes out on his own I know he is still him, an independent person, and I can drift to the back of his mind. I can't even do this anymore. He is the only person relevant to my life, and without him I don't know that I exist at all. Though he helps me forget myself too, and that isn't healthy.

I'm scared that because Garry knows about my social anxiety, he will continue to expect less and less from me in social areas, in my abilities to go places with him or do anything for myself. I know I am dragging him down, and I don't know how to change. I prevent those good things he needs, and it isn't fair. It's like I'm purposefully alienating him from the rest of the world alongside me, so maybe he can feel some tinge of the loneliness that I do. Though we will never feel the same.

I am terrified about the future. I wish I could just be happy for right now, but it's so fucking hard. I only panic and grow nervous and dread things to come, or linger on the past and how much I dislike who I was in the past. Just as I will dislike who I am now in a little while. I don't know what's going to happen to me. Will I get better soon, when school ends? Will I get worse until I want to hurt myself or lash out at Garry? Will he leave me? Will I still have my friends when they get here, or will I still be alone? If it comes to that, I'm not sure what I will do. I guess I'll do what I have been doing this entire time.

I hate this house. I want out of here. It feeds my depression intensely.

And I'm sad I wrote all of that above. I love Garry more than anything, it just kills me what effect I have on him. I see myself as just this strangling, clinging person, slowly suffocating him. He loves me, so he stays, but he doesn't deserve that. I don't know why I wasn't born a better person. I'm the most selfish person in the world. I love him, and I can't let go of it.
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Billy Bragg & Wilco - One by One
Giblet McNiblets
16 April 2008 @ 03:10 pm
I am feeling quite a bit better now, except the girl to the right of me reaks of perfume, and it is inducing a headache. That is all.
Current Location: Norlin
Current Mood: okayokay
Giblet McNiblets
08 April 2008 @ 11:14 am

Current Location: bed
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Current Music: I have disco music stuck in my head.
Giblet McNiblets
15 February 2008 @ 10:49 am
I had my first fiction workshop today, and it went much more smoothly than I thought. People said they were generally impressed by my story and my use of language, as well as the complexity of characters and symbolism. The negative feedback I got was generally a few problems of clarity and run-on sentences, so I'm pleased with that since it's fixable. Mostly, it's good because I feared having some immense anxiety attack surrounding my entire class talking about my story, and then me having to talk about it to them, but surprisingly I did not. And I also haven't had a real confidence boost in a very, very long time. It was much needed after yesterday, when I got my first artistic comparison back from my art history T.A., which she pretty much shit all over because it was so poorly done. That was extremely difficult to receive.

All I can say about the past while is that I've been digging myself into a large rut. I'm very stressed out about school, and money, and the complete and utter lack of a social life. I continue to become more and more reclusive, and my apathy about it also continues to increase. It's nice, though, to have forced interaction in many of my classes because it is what I need.

I had a weird Valentines Day, though I really enjoyed my delicious dinner.

I'm leaving Boulder tonight for most of the weekend, and I could not be happier about it. I get so sick of the things that go on here, and often times I wish I hadn't moved back here at all, though that's certainly very arguable because I am enjoying my education and I like having my family nearby. Everything just feels very old, and it's much harder to keep myself happy and focused when it's all been done before. I crave something new, but there is absolutely no feeling of newness I can gather here any longer.

Did I mention I am officially an Anthropology major? I am.
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Apostle of Hustle - Cheap Like Sebastien
Giblet McNiblets
27 July 2007 @ 12:15 am
I was scared of when I'd begin experiencing this feeling again, because I know how destructive it is, both inside of me and outwardly to anyone I'm close to. I'm disappointed to find myself still so deeply, painfully insecure, and so quick to allow myself to feel hurt; it almost feels good, befitting to the life I have known previously, validating to the self-loathing and bleak individual I suppose I have accepted myself to be. I believed this part of me was slowly mending; after all, I am quite conscious of these unwarranted feelings and the fact that I need to put an end to them, but the physicality of it is still there, the pit of my stomach feeling empty, sunken and heavy. How can you deny that a feeling is real or purposeful when your body reacts to it and brings you that physical pain? I can only keep trying to realize how falsely construed this is in my own head, the fault of a continuous lack of self-esteem that I cannot shake. It's unnerving, to be so delicate and unhinged. I fear that I will ruin everything because I can't accept one small fragment of myself, or believe that I'd pose anything worthy of love or desire when compared with another, any other.
Current Location: room
Current Mood: gloomygloomy