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29 May 2008 @ 09:01 pm
 
It is summer, and today was my day off from work, which is always nice. I am, however, wallowing in a large cesspool of stress and self-loathing. It's a mixture of money issues with my own growing inability to socialize with others. The most obvious issue, though, is the increasing cost of caring for my dog. I took him to the vet very early Monday morning because he was bleeding everywhere and miserable, and ended up paying $300 for some very large assortment of products to help with his allergies. Now I will be putting him on a new medication that he has to take for the rest of his life, which will cost me $70 per month at minimum. His food cost is currently at around $100 per month, which my Mom is covering in exchange for not giving me any money per month to help with rent or food.
My job is paying me $8.00 an hour, which has been my salary since I started working there a year ago, and I am not going to be receiving a raise anytime soon, if ever (most likely the latter). This is really not enough money for me to support myself and my dog and to have any fun in my life. So now I have this ever-looming dilemma of wanting to quit my job but being unable to risk not having a job for any period of time because I need a constant source of income so badly. On top of that, I have really awful luck finding new jobs. I generally look for months, apply to dozens of places and don't get hired anywhere, then give up for awhile longer. This is the first real, permanent job I have had and I am completely under-appreciated and taken advantage of. Needless to say, I'm feeling rather despondent and without anywhere to turn for money. I know things will be okay, but for now I have this terrible panicked feeling whenever I have to spend anything. I have not checked my bank balance in weeks, and can't bring myself to do it until I get paid again because it inevitably makes me frantic.

Right now I miss my friends a great deal, and most of them are in town, but it has become so hard to reach out in the same way I once would. I don't know what it is; I've lost some feeling that was always there before. I don't love them any less than I ever have. Right now I am so bogged down that I can't muster up any energy, and I just find myself hiding. I don't know what I'm doing. I wish I could say there was something natural about my actions, some innate reasoning in the things I do or think or say, but instead everything holds such heavy complexity that never relieves me in the slightest. I have never felt like I was doing things the right way, by which I guess I mean the healthy way. Anyway, I'm still moving along.
 
 
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: Grizzly Bear - Deep Blue Sea
 
 
 
leriotgrrrlleriotgrrrl on May 30th, 2008 08:16 am (UTC)
amor
It gives me faith in the world to know that people are being miserable so their dogs can be alive (as much as I hate to see you unhappy).