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23 April 2008 @ 09:31 pm
lonely.  
It may just be the music I'm listening to, but I feel some profound and echoing loneliness tonight. Garry is away at Burnt Toast reading poetry, and I should probably be there, but for some reason I'm just here on the bed with the lights very dim, listening to woeful songs. My heart feels heavy. I'm in a rare place where I can look on myself and see myself sheltered to a very dangerous point. I can't even go support my boyfriend reading at a coffee shop because I'm scared to be around the people he knows that I don't know. I feel ashamed of myself whenever he and I run into someone he knows, because I'm just that weird, unfriendly girl clinging to him. The only time I am not invisible is when he's here, because when he goes out on his own I know he is still him, an independent person, and I can drift to the back of his mind. I can't even do this anymore. He is the only person relevant to my life, and without him I don't know that I exist at all. Though he helps me forget myself too, and that isn't healthy.

I'm scared that because Garry knows about my social anxiety, he will continue to expect less and less from me in social areas, in my abilities to go places with him or do anything for myself. I know I am dragging him down, and I don't know how to change. I prevent those good things he needs, and it isn't fair. It's like I'm purposefully alienating him from the rest of the world alongside me, so maybe he can feel some tinge of the loneliness that I do. Though we will never feel the same.

I am terrified about the future. I wish I could just be happy for right now, but it's so fucking hard. I only panic and grow nervous and dread things to come, or linger on the past and how much I dislike who I was in the past. Just as I will dislike who I am now in a little while. I don't know what's going to happen to me. Will I get better soon, when school ends? Will I get worse until I want to hurt myself or lash out at Garry? Will he leave me? Will I still have my friends when they get here, or will I still be alone? If it comes to that, I'm not sure what I will do. I guess I'll do what I have been doing this entire time.

I hate this house. I want out of here. It feeds my depression intensely.

And I'm sad I wrote all of that above. I love Garry more than anything, it just kills me what effect I have on him. I see myself as just this strangling, clinging person, slowly suffocating him. He loves me, so he stays, but he doesn't deserve that. I don't know why I wasn't born a better person. I'm the most selfish person in the world. I love him, and I can't let go of it.
 
 
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Billy Bragg & Wilco - One by One